An excerpt from the dialogues between the philosopher Trinitron and his pupil Fecius. Trinitron speaks first.
Trinitron: What are the qualities of a good man, Fecius?
Fecius: Wisdom, patience, virtue, moderation, kindness, courage, open-mindedness?Trinitron: But what if these qualities are not sincere? What if they are affectations, so that others might think highly of the fellow? Is he a good man then?
Fecius: Clearly not. If what you say is so, Trinitron, the man is a scumbag.
Trinitron: Tell me, Fecius, what is the single most important quality of a good man?
Fecius: That he should do no harm to others?
Trinitron: How so? Give me an example.
Fecius: Let us say that he pays his alimony and child support on time. Is not such a man worthy to be called good?
Trinitron: But what if his ex-wife is a bitch? And their child, a little turd spoiled rotten by its mother?
Fecius: I see. Then surely this man cannot be called good, for he supports unworthy people.
Trinitron: Let us turn the question around, Fecius. Describe for me a bad man.
Fecius: I would say a man is bad if he cuts his grandmother's beating heart out and feeds it to the dogs.
Trinitron: Ah, but what if the dogs are Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin, and Snoopy? And they are all very hungry?
Fecius: Then I must say that the man has done a good thing, for he has fed three hungry and much-beloved animals.
Trinitron: Indeed so. Can we conclude, then, Fecius, that a good man is a man who would cut his grandmother's beating heart out and feed it to the dogs?
Fecius: Yes, Trinitron. You have logically defined the essence of a good man. I see it clearly now.
Trinitron: Do you also see, Fecius, why all questions must be subjected to philosophical scrutiny?
Fecius: Indeed I do, Trinitron.
Trinitron: Is your grandmother still alive, Fecius?
Fecius: Yes. Indeed she is still alive.
Trinitron: And does she live around here?
Is there no black, no white? Do we in fact live in a world of various shades of grey? Do we clothe ourselves only in road uniforms? Are pin stripes really shackles?
ReplyDeleteDo I have any answers, or only questions?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Can we please limit the descriptions of violence perpetrated on grandmothers to "Darn that old bat!", "Look, Geez-czarina, I paid $2.50 for this subway seat just like you did and you'll just have to wait 'til we get to Seventh avenue (where I can hopefully get a come on from the whores there) or I'll have to clock you" or "Grandma got run over by a reindeer!"
ReplyDeleteYa see, my grannies were aces and I am of the old school that always felt inclined to offer 'em a paean along the lines of Cat Stevens' "Granny" ("B" side of his '67 semi-hit "Matthew and Son"). By the by, too bad he converted to...uh, hamma hamma, I mean, er, uh...oh, yeah! Uncle Ben's rice! Yeah, that's the ticket. He should have "stuck" to good ol' gluey Carolina Long Grain. Speaking of Political Correctness, T.M.R. was NOT alluding to any particular ethnic group or culture whilst instructing (via Trinitron) about a certain coronary "cruelie".
Pop, you've given me an idea for the next installment in this series.
ReplyDeleteRus, no woodchuck grandmothers will be mentioned in the making of that post.
But they do make mighty good 'eatin.
What should have been inserted in my previous comment after the word "paean" and before "along" was: "(instead of peein' on 'em)". Holy hemorrhoids, I don't wanna give Fecious any ideas. However, "If", as Confucius says "scatorogy found to be nearry irresistibire, one may head north and aspire to join that ancient and nobre crub of haruspices...if you have the guts!"
ReplyDeleteWow, this editing continues to be clumsy in the world of "Comments", but I didn't want to imply with my spelling (Fecious) that Fecius reminded me of the word "specious", though they all do rhyme (hmmm). Oh well, Fecius also rhymes with "Leash Us!" (a plea perhaps of Organian poochies who know the libertarian dogwalking style of their master, or simply the cry of any garden variety masochist).
ReplyDelete