by T.M.R.
By the year 2020, old people will have microchips implanted in their buttocks, for good and practical reasons ... storage of personal data in case they forget who they are ... GPS positioning in case they forget where they are, or where they're supposed to be.
Their golf handicaps.
Their medication schedules.
A complete list of their Facebook Friends.
Etc.
Young people in blue surgical scrubs will perform these minor but painful procedures. This is not to imply that these young people will be doctors. That would be expensive. So they will simply be young people wearing blue surgical scrubs.
Medicare will be a shadow of its former self due to budget cuts. Therefore old people will be required to pay out-of-pocket for this pain-in-the-ass indignity.
After the surgery, old people will have to eat standing up for about three weeks.
However, they won't eat much, because by the year 2020 the rate of inflation will be 15.7 percent. (Hats off to Timothy Geithner and Ben Bernanke.)
The Giants will have won five more World Series by 2020. Pop will be blase about it by then. The fifth one, he won't even bother to watch. He'll read about it in the paper.
Rus will be arrested but let off with a stern reprimand and a pretty hard spanking -- right on his computer chip -- for trying to purchase a shoulder-fired missile.
My ashes will repose in a landfill, since I have already instructed my executor to leave them by the curb for collection by the sanitation department. Upon reading those instructions, she said: "That's so sad. I hope you change your mind about that."
In 2020, the universe will have 10 fewer years to go until the Final Whimper, when matter and energy as we know them will no longer exist. No stars. No galaxies. No life. No dreams. No music. No art. No laughter. No stickball. No nothing, unless you count a very, very thin soup of subatomic particles -- solitary quarks and mesons separated from one another by tens of thousands of light-years -- as "something."
By the year 2020.
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Note to self: You think the other guys will regard this as a downer?
ReplyDeleteNo. They're used to you by now.
ReplyDeleteI will have been given an exemption from the 2020 procedure due to "intractable orneriness" a result of having dispatched (with various "close combat" weaponry from my ancestral collection and obviating the need for ballistic defenses) three wimpy technicians of Team Obama III who hesitatingly approached me. I also will have garnered an extra 15 mins. of fame for this. Anybody who comes anywhere near to an intimate inspection of my gluteus maximus had better look a lot like Jamie Lee Curtis or Angelina Jolie and if either of those events were to occur, no harm or heavenliness could possibly befall them or me as I will already have been dead or will croak with alacrity (either a ghost's last wishes granted or transported to Blottoville like a Bennyhillesque geezer smothered by pulchritude).
ReplyDeleteThey won't be technicians. They'll be from the Job Corps, like most American by 2020. Good luck in going the Benny Hill route, but keep the bayonet handy.
ReplyDeleteAnd they won't be from Team Obama III. They'll be from Team Christie I. He'll do such a good job in New Jersey -- avoiding a California or New York-style debacle by doing the only obvious thing, living within one's means -- that I can see him winning the Presidency in a landslide in 2016, and then abolishing Medicare.
Christie's campaign slogan? ISN'T IT TIME WE HAD A PRESIDENT AS FAT AS HOWARD J. TAFT AGAIN?
I left all this out of the prophecy, but comments on this board don't count against word count.
Benny Hill is on for three hours evey Friday night, starting at 11:00, and again for three hours on Saturday night, starting at 8:00. Look for Antenna TV on cable, or WPIX 11.4 over the air.
The shows are all from the 1970s. They're only copyrighted 1987. Pick your favorite technician.
I'd be concerned, but I suspect your view into the future is based on traditional horoscope data. With the newly added sign, me thinks your looking glass is foggy. Still, you may be right about Christie; I hope you're right about the Giants.
ReplyDeleteThey added a new zodiac sign? How do I get in? The current one isn't working out for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the two e-gags. I chuckled heartily.
I also put up a new post on PP today. For some reason I was thinking about school, and the required courses I hated the most.