In The Driver's Seat

Did you ever try to explain how you feel to a person who doesn't care or cannot understand? One imagines this is a daily occurrence that is experienced by some adolescents and certain of the elderly in numbers disproportionately greater than those of other groups relative to the population as a whole. The alienation of youth and the isolation of the old and infirm: it would seem that a natural alliance of the two might ameliorate some of these travails.  No doubt this occurs in limited and unorganized ways. The sharing of a problem between a grandparent and grandchild is hardly unheard of. The special bond between each begins almost immediately with the "gut" understanding by the senior of life's finiteness, passionately and dramatically revealed by the birth of the granchild just as the start of the sunset of the grandparent's days are perceived.  Cat Stevens' "B" side of his 1967 hit "Matthew and Son" was entitled "Granny" and it told the tale of a shared confidence of these members of "skipped" generations.  All of us it seems, have an unquenchable need to marshall events and our environment in such a way that we understand ourselves to be in control, even if only in some limited way. To "drive the car" or to be in charge is as necessary to one's well being as food and drink; this empowerment or even just an empathetic sharing of its frustration by disaffected parties such as the young and old, can soothe if not heal.

Financial and various decision making powers: these are among the chief tools and/or weaponry of the heads of households.  And these folks, often those between 25 and 65, generally hold sway with the prerogative to say "nay" and more importantly, with the imagined luxury of not needing to ponder with any depth, the humanity and/or the angst of the disempowered older juveniles or of the ancients under their care who cannot or will not articulate swiftly, what are their needs and rights as persons, as they quietly strive to maintain their dignity.  Of course, this is arguably only a problem in the abstract.  A grandmother, a grandfather, an aging uncle, aunt, a great grandparent, a confused teen with an absent parent (or the scion of a prematurely deceased one): all of these are likely to have at least one relative in their lives who is concerned and who endeavors to help. Yet, there is evidence of dysfunctional aspects of these relationships that abound anecdotally, and because the foci of one in his/her prime years are often aimed at one's career, the smallest of one's children or other social networks that are viewed with particular interest because of business and social advancement considerations, opportunities to fail with these two groups, teens and the elderly, are many.  Of course, the extreme situation of having no family at all is no longer a rarity in the America of the 21st century, but let's assume that the "dramatis personae" are present, however meager their resources and numbers may be.

One unfortunate aspect of modern American life is a deemphasis on the past and of the importance of our history, both as a nation and relative to the nuclear family unit.  This impacts senior citizens in obvious ways.  "Old" too often becomes a term associated with "used up" and with places and people of little or no interest or excitement to youthful pursuits.  Ignorance and the lack of understanding about wisdom and experience, the chief and incalculably valuable virtues that those of advanced years possess, are problems that education and a revival of respect for one's elders can, not surprisingly, begin to solve.

The growth, both physically and intellectually of persons in their teens is sometimes viewed, even if only unconsciously, as a threat to certain mature adults in their prime. Their creative endeavors can be discouraged with subversive remarks or a more subtle chiding that seeks to keep the newly blossoming, soon to be grownup in his or her place out of fear or a perverse habit of domination.  These conflicts are as old as man's time on this planet and they are certainly not insurmountable, but the intra-familial struggle is a reflection of the geopolitical problems that have kept nations in varying states of turmoil and they can best be settled with hard work and the understanding that independence and mutually beneficial dependence are the right roads to travel.  Perhaps the surest approach is to assume that all of us are or were once, helpless and unclothed, both literally and in terms of psychic vulnerability.  Treating the stranger, the unattractive, the inarticulate, the deaf, the blind, the infirm or even just the less than pleasant, as thoughtfully as one ought to a struggling adolescent or a depressed oldster, without of course, patronizing or obviously referencing the pain of any of these persons (but determining that listening to what they have to say, is of paramount importance) is arguably one of the best choices to maximize tranquility and help to provide one of the answers to the problem of human existence.  Compassion, love, just spending time with someone, whatever the right word or phrase may be: the ability to truly care is a gift that can start to enable any soul to get into "the driver's seat."  My father taught me these things, largely by example and not pedagogically or in any pontificating way.  It was his greatest gift to me and as Earl Grant reassured us, though while referencing a great romantic relationship, it is "a treasure our hearts can always spend."